Fatal Attraction – Part II
It is always said that to every situation there is always my point of view, your point of view and last but not the least a right point of view. So far it was my point of view- that is her point of view and now it is your point of view, that is the story from Stupid’s side.
Oct 11, 2011
The wind outside was howling making it was so difficult to figure out between the wind and his thoughts, what was more disturbing. It was not like any other ordinary autumn evening. The wind was chilling than ever before and air was filled with a bleak coldness and inspite of being in his warm room it slowly started to overpower him physically.
He lit is gas burner preparing for the dinner and for the time being to make his mind calm he kept kettle on the stove. In no time the water boiled and the shrilling sound of boiling water made him conscious of his existence.
Bit dizzy in his head he held the kettle with his bare hands burning his fingers while pouring the water in a glass. He held the glass and started walking towards his bed. He was happy in his current situation or he claimed to be but when alone the artificial makeup came out revealing his true colors. The glass slipped from his hand shattering in pieces and as he tried to collect them, he injured his hand making blood ooze out. The picture was so real; it was exactly the way his last year bestowed upon him; his life was right in front of him injured and bleeding.
Woke up to the sound of phone vibrating loud, while rubbing his eyes he tries to figure out the time and who is calling so late. The clock struck almost 2:15 A.M. and it was her calling “Hey stupid”, said a breaking voice followed by a long silence broken only by the sobs. “Hey are u ok?” he inquired in a sleepy voice but her voice shook him till the core and he was all alarmed. “Hm”, said the voice before breaking into loud burst of tears. I wanted to give her time to get hold of herself so waited in silence till the time her breathing became normal and I felt that she can put my worries to rest. Quiet patiently Stupid repeated the question, “now tell me what happened and stop crying please?” and before she even broke her silence some how Stupid knew it was about him and asked her the straight question, “It is about him again right? He said something again isn’t it?”
Her silence gave Stupid what he feared the most and being angry, unable to help the situation made his concern bit aggressive and he asked, “Will you please tell me what he said?” she did not answer and night passed away in long silence but mind never came to rest. Millions of questions teased Stupid’s mind.
He wonders was the previous fall during which being guided by his impulse certain decisions were made, made him cut and bleed more or the current wound. Every action has an opposite and reaction so how come the things done in past could have left them alone without any consequences? The steps taken in past though thought for betterment of both did actually made their life bit easy or a permanent remorse has replaced the genuine concern and warmth they shared? Is a thought that always rings in the minds of both.
Strange are the ways of life as it always takes you with its surprises when you least prepared. He thought he has seen it all and now there is no way he will fall prey to the heart tricks but he too got knocked down by the most fatal blow by life when he least expected it. He was once again treading on the road he had taken before and was sure has learned his lessons. However, sometimes lessons learned in life are often forgotten and they need to be revised and this was his revision time.
Somewhere in September, 2010
“Hey, stop crying please you know we never get all we want in life so sometimes we have to let things go! Are you there and listening to me”, asked Stupid feeling exactly what she was feeling as he too has felt the pain and could empathies. I have been through this hell and I want to make things right for her. What in the world I would not give to stop those tears falling from her eye? Life had knocked me down too but somehow considering various situations I at least managed to get back on my foot.
Like it is said tears from woman eye can easily make any man loose his ground and what Stupid – I was but just another man.
Damn her tears tore me apart and all my senses give up. She is my friend I have shared my life with her. She means the world to me how can I see my world all gloomy and in pain? I am always concerned for my friends but for her it is only friendship or something beyond, I cannot differentiate between it. It was something different as my heart always has an upper hand when it comes to her. Been helpless before but this time it was not the same.
To err is human so was I. The comfort level that we both shared made me think of a solution which that time seemed to perfect but I did not know it will only make life more difficult and complicated. With the hope to provide with a solution I committed one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Like any other human I too wanted to feel loved, cared and wanted and some how I felt she completed my; at least that is what I felt that time. The consequence where too far from being manifested in the current time but future did awaited them both with open arms weather for good or bad it was only for time to reveal. . .
It was a fall time, yes, I was falling for her. I wanted to see her each day without fail. I wanted to shorten the distance between us two. I moved to town to be with her. I wanted to be her new spring and just like season was giving tress a new opportunity to blossom, I felt life too is giving us both the very same opportunity to grow. I wanted to be her new spring. He was not there, though once my friend but today I have a cold heart for Him as all the warmth has been shifted to her. I could not have left her alone. She was my world now.
Sometimes we all become blind to see the obvious and such was the time for me. Guided by passion I wanted to be there with her. I was sure she has not got over with him. What she had with him was much stronger than what I had with her however I still gave my best shot to make things work. Often I thought what will I say to Him, friend you were not there so I stole away your love to complete my life but in end it all faded away only She remained.
The comfort and the peace both found in each other as friends was no longer the part of their life. An arguments sometimes logical but most of the time illogical replaced the friendly chats. Anger, hurt and night full of endless crying became their routine. “Bitch, slut, whore, pimp fucker and so many more similes replaced the decent conversational words.”
Anger and frustration is the only outcome when the air of uncertainty surrounds. For me life became a practical joke. She was right there in front of me and each day with me but still she was so far. Her thoughts still had Him. Her memory became weak under influence of medicines and I heard her all night talking to Him and remembering nothing in later. I enjoyed the pleasure I got being so close to her though mistaken identity but for me important thing was being with her, hearing her talk for I loved her. Love really makes a fool out of us all as she blamed herself for the things gone wrong, cursed her as well as me. It was not her fault alone that made life living hell but mine too for inspite of know she could have never loved me or be mine, still I tried to make her mine by hook or crook.
“He is in town and did he come to see you?” I asked her to which she said “yes” which I guess I never wanted to hear but somehow I took control and with a faint smile managed to say, “Good”. I mustered up the courage to ask her again what He said as I feared the next words from her mouth could shatter my world right there and then.
“He said nothing much was asking if I were you girlfriend and out of rage I said yes and he said nothing much as he was running out of time”, she said further to which Stupid replied, “I think he is trying to win you back and may be settle things now”. “I don’t think so”, was her reply.
Stupid walked her half way home and on the way said to her that “You know most of my friends feel that we are going around and you are my girlfriend” to which she said in a lighter tone laughing, “Really, oh so what’s you take on it? Come on we both know the truth so why care what they think?” Stupid left her and went back from there.
I never in feared loosing her like that, the way I felt it that day. I felt as is her wait was over He will be there with her and my world is ending as the year was ending. I got the idea she did not love me and take me a good friend and so somewhere even did not express the seriousness I shared for her.
As cold as winter and too barren for anything positive to grow; in lives of any 3 of them. Endless wait for miracles on the part of both but nothing worked.
“I am going on a vacation, will come back and soon join an office near your so that we can spend time together whenever possible till then you take care”, said Stupid.
“Stupid that long what will I do? You know I do not have any friend out here and I really need one”, she said.
“We have phone to stay connected”, he said to which she bleakly said fine.
I was happy when I will return I will have more time to spend with her and she will be there. I was happy had planned everything once will return keeping aside all the negativity and knowing deep inside She still belonged to him.
Nothing eventful happened. The same confusion and hurt played the dominant role in my life. I was losing patience for She was not ready to give up and was becoming more and more abusive towards herself. Sometimes even I felt I will lose her not to Him but she will be lost forever and it tore me apart. I felt if I will have her once She will never leave me and will forget Him and so there was a futile pursuit.
“Stupid I do not think anything will work out as we both demand something else out of each other. I need your time I want to talk but you seem to be more interested in other things”, she complained to him.
“Yes you are right so now that you know then so you should do something about it”, he replied.
She felt irritated when it came to this but I could never make her understand the fear that lurked in my heart. I never wanted to go and was ready to go to any extent to make her mine like said before by hook or crook but this not something I could have told her. What if She left?
One day She said, “I think I am ruining you Stupid, it is better we part ways since we both demand different things from each other”
“Can we kiss each other?” I questioned in return and to which She said, ““Yes, why not?” and I seized moment.
I know She said yes in a lighter tone but for me it was not a joke. I kissed her lips though could feel the wetness of tears running down her face; She was crying before I popped out the question but I really did not care. I had invested in that relation. Stood by her and She was all mine. I thought it was he best moment and wanted it to last forever and yes it did last forever but as a living nightmare for us all three. I sealed doom of all 3 of us while sealing her lips with that kiss. . .
“I want you out of my life go away Stupid”, she said coldly. “But why, what happened? We can make things work out. Let me come back and we can have a talk over it”, he insisted. “I don’t think so for no matter where I go, I cannot let go of him. Things might never work between both of us, how can I be unfair to you? So this is the end”.
I hung the phone without any further arguments. She took me down and this time blow was too hard to bea. Why after doing everything for her She still care about Him? I knew She was always cold but I thought I can make her better. I always felt if anyone else on earth could take care of her in a best manner after Him was Me and I did my best. Her coldness triggered my ego and I gave up.
“Hey, I have a news for you. I got engaged. You always wanted me to be out of your life and so here I am all gone”, he said to her with a tint of struggle to sound normal.
“Congratulations Stupid finally you will be settled and I am sure you will not regret this decision of yours after few years from now”, she replied with a heavy heart.
I struggled to break the news to her not for I feared She will be hurt but for it was me feeling the pain. It was hard for us both though the reason was not mutual. I secretly wished She would return to me but she never did. Anger can make you take decisions that you sometimes don’t wish to take but still do. I wanted to be there for her as she was my world how could I leave her alone but may be choice I made, made a big difference.
Stupid spent time with his new mate but the old ties did not break that easy. She was still there calling and Stupid never failed to answer. Conversations went on and things changed but were still the same. Hopelessness was the only fruit that – blossomed; that season inspite of all being clear nothing was visible.
Why she had to be so honest, why she couldn’t have kept little secrets I often wondered. Was there something that missed or was He too good to be ever replaced? I tried stopping her but she didn’t listen. She only brought pain to all 3 of us. I am hurt and even hurt her more each time I talk to her. I don’t know was I trying to justify my ego the rejection or I actually wanted to avenge the rejection but I know I was tearing her apart bit by bit . . .
Trying to live a double like is so difficult. Stupid still saw Her for She still counted on him for support often wished to hold her feel her warmth but now it was about the other one too after all in the end that was the choice you made, and it doesn't matter how hard it was to make it. It matters that you did.
All She still longed for was Him and it often made me uneasy. Why I failed again I often questioned myself. If theory of Karma really worked why was She not mine and still belonged to someone who was not even there. I call her my past but She is still there and I often lie to my present. It was so confusing, where was I actually heading???
Hopeless fight and usless discussions were the only things that were happening. Stupid talked to her but only to make her feel She made mistake by making him leave. She still continued to fight and it never made sense to anyone else for it was a lost cause but She never gave up.
She was wasting right in front of me. I wanted to save her but now what choice I had, for she has sent me away, so far that I can only watch her go down but not extend my hand to help. I knew I was taking out my frustration on her now by the way I talked to her but She took away my world within a blink of an eye. How could I have ever forgiven her. . .
“I wish nothing like this ever happened Stupid. I lost everything the one I loved and the best friend I ever had”, she said. “Don’t say that I am always there whenever you need me”, he said trying to pacific her and it magically seem to do wonders.
She said she lost everything, without realizing what I lost. I wanted to be there for her if only She didn’t ask me to leave. He took out ointment to apply to his wound and only thought that kept echoing in his mind was will any ointment stop his heart from bleeding. . .
Written by: Ritanjali Hastir